Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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