he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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