I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
