At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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