Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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