no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
