The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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