I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
