My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
