i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
