Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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