at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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