2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
