I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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