You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
