omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
