Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Randomize
