Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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