I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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