theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
