I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
