Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
