I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
