Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
