I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize