the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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