i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
