god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
