My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
