I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
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