i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
