you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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