i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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