my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
