This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize