dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
