I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
