you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
