I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Shame - the story of my life.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
