: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
