promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
