Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
