I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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