i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
