The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
