so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
