I'm jealous of your bromance
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
