"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
