she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
