Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize