im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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