i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
