My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
