Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
