The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
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