I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
