I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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